What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:57
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why didn't my ex fight for our relationship? He gave up so easily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Is Twilight appropriate for a 12-year-old?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
How can you maintain self-control?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What CIA front organizations operated in the United States during the 1960s?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She married twice! .
Why did McLaren hope that the Ferrari pair would pit twice during the Italian Grand Prix?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What is truer than that which is true?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
How do I build rapport with anybody?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
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I was scared of men, in general
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was very sick at this time too.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
When she asked me how she looked .
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were not on the streets..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
I will be 64.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
She was in good health!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I write beautiful poetry .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.